Desperately Seeking Joy #4

 

Today didn't start out the best. It's been an uphill battle to be happy, but most importantly to find the energy. The weather is a dreary, rainy, windy fall day. One of my medications just upped its doze to a full pill. I really wanted to have some caffeine, but apparently caffeine isn't recommended with my current medication. 

After getting myself out of bed, I went downstairs and made some homemade biscuits and gravy for my husband for breakfast. My daughter enjoyed the biscuits with apple jelly. 

Then I had an idea to make a new fleece poncho for lounging and my husband came with me out to JoAnn Fabrics. I bought some Marvel fleece and blue fleece for the other side. I don't know if I'm going to attempt a hood again or not. I made a Star Wars one a few years ago, which I still love, but during a visit from the in-laws, the hood was accidentally ripped off and I never fixed it. I don't consider myself a very craft person, even though I've got lots of craft stuff. 

While we were there, I also purchased a bunch of cute halloween craft packs for my daughter and to gift in a Halloween Box to an iggle or two. 

Then we were able to order from China One and get a lunch combo plate, which I was so excited about. And I went to Walgreens and got some cards for the iggle card swap. Earlier today I expressed being sad that I missed the card swap and a bunch of my iggle-angels reached out to me. So it was exciting to get the messages while I was out and could get some fun things and cards for them. 

Also at Walgreens were these Apple Pie Kit Kats! Nummy!

When we arrived home, I was so excited about a pair of sock of I bought at JAF that I got myself and my daughter registered for the Festival Turkey Trot - Home Edition! So we'll be Turkey Trotting from home. I'm assuming we'll be at my mom's this year, so we'll trot around her lake path twice with the dog. 

Somewhere around 2PM, I decided I was tired of feel tired, so I drank my SF-Rock Star and, oh my goodness, within an hour I was feeling so much better and capable of doing things!

My husband finally asked our friend about a Halloween One-Shot for D&D and he agreed. Then we all started making characters.  My character's name is Stash and they are a halfling rogue.

Friend Jim also made a halfling wizard named Jilri Whispermouse, but my husband just had to be crazy weird and made a Human Yuan-Ti named Bazhlissh who is also good! WHAT! I'll allow it. If he's having fun, so be it. My daughter, though, will have to wait to make her character. She was busy working on perler beads and she still needs to be coached and supported while making her characters.

Because I was super charged, I was doing all sorts of things. I was working on the Halloween cards I was going to swap with my iggles. I decided to find a print-and-play game to put into the cards. So I'm include Dixit in their cards. I'm so excited about it!

Then I was browse shopping on Etsy. I was actually looking at my calendar and wanting to get myself organized again. It's just so hard, because it reminds me of work and I'm trying to distance myself from that.

After some browsing and working, I called my mom to see if she needed anything. Apparently her dishwasher now broke. This woman has troubles everyday with something somewhere breaking or needing to be fixed. It's just so weird. So she was telling me about that, but also that the "high" of the chemo drugs is wearing off and she's in pain. I told her I'd be down soon and to keep me posted. So I'll be calling tomorrow. She did, though, get the mini-electric frying pan I sent her! She loved it.

Finally, I started to lose a little pep. I was determined to find my copy of Duma Key by Stephen King. My husband insisted that I didn't have a copy and I was looking to buy one, but the paperback was so expensive! I looked at my library, but they'd have to request it from a different library. So I looked at some other books. Thought I'd try reading The Outsider by Stephen King again, especially after I saw Let it Bleed by Stephen King had a short story sequel to the book. I had resigned myself to let Duma Key go, until I checked the cabinet next to our bed and sure enough... there sat the copy I bought when I was in Edinburgh. Even had the pounds sterling amount on the back. I just didn't realize how thick the book was, but I was being pulled to read it again. So I got out my book light and started reading.  I had fallen out of reading a few years into being a teacher. There just wasn't much joy in it for me. So reading this book will hopefully help pull me out of wherever my mind has gone.

Overall, it was a good day. I had my moments of sadness and regret, but I had no panic attacks and could actually do things. It took enormous amounts of effort to do those things, but I did them.

Desperately Seeking Joy #3

 

I started the day off with some breakfast that the family loved. It was Orange Cinnamon Rolls from the Pillsbury can. It's one of those childhood throwbacks that reminds me of "home." 

I tried to watch some movies and things. I even baked an apple dump cake, but it was really difficult to feel a radiating happiness.

Being on the internet didn't help, because there are just too many triggers to my sadness. It could be people posting their own happiness everywhere, because that's what we've been told should only be out in the universe. Or they post what they THINK is inspirational messages, but really to someone who is struggling, it is not inspirational. Instead those messages make me feel like a failure, because of what I'm going through. It is said that we CHOOSE to think positively. I will never agree with that. I don't want these sad and debilitating thoughts all day. I seek to find the positive. I seek to find the distraction. But sometimes people don't get to choose. We have to battle the darkness.

Desperately Seeking Joy #1

The Pandemic has hit many of us very hard and it has affected our mental health. Some more than others. I am one of those people who already started out with unstable mental health and now I am in the pit of absolute despair. I am not at liberty to go into the details of the history of this, but suffice to say that I am struggling to find any kind of joy in my life. Things that once made me happy are beyond what I am capable of doing, accessing, or participating in. 

There are some big changes coming up in my life, but I realize that in order to handle those changes, I am going to have to start with changing me. Which is why I've made the decision to actively search for the things that bring me joy, because I miss them. And maybe once I've found them, then I can start to be more mindful about my own happiness and how I can take care of myself. 

The holiday seasons can be a very dangerous time for finding joy, because we are reminded of so much of the bad. I, though, am going to try to find the joy through the holidays and what I used to love more than anything... theme. I love "theme" and calendars and all sorts of things like that. So tomorrow I am going to dive in.

Go-with-the-Flow Saturday #7

Today certainly was a go-with-the-flow day.

I got in a walk with the dog again. This time my daughter came and I told her because it was still "dark out" that we had to be quiet. It was the quietest walk I've ever had with her. It felt nice.

When I got home, I spent the morning working on some meal prep. I made chicken for salads during the week. I also made mini-meatloaves that we can just throw in the microwave when we're hungry or I can take them to eat. So I accidentally made a very messy kitchen. I also made more hard boiled eggs. My daughter eats those, too, so it's nice to have them on hand. Then I made breakfast for myself and my husband (my daughter wanted her yogurt and cereal).

After a little downtime, I got my husband onboard with things I wanted to do. We went up to my classroom and started to fiddle about with things. The construction still isn't done, so I'm a little irked that I can't do everything I need to do, but I have some ideas now and I think I'll see if I can get him to go with me again tomorrow to put my vision into practice. It is incredibly hard to get a minimum of 12 desks at 6x6x6x6 apart in my classroom. My coworker got 15 in hers, so we'll see what I can do.

It was a pretty active morning, so my afternoon was relaxed.

Late in the day, I received an email from my district that I would be teaching 1 section of Literacy through eAcademy for, what they call, an overload. I was so excited! They had sent out a survey a bit ago and I had replied with a yes, but I hadn't heard anything. So I'm really excited to have been given the opportunity and the pay will be helpful, especially since my husband lost his clients due to the COVID stuff.

After that we got in the missed game of Sagrada from Thursday! I won, but not by much. I think technically my husband won, because we realized after scoring that I had a wonky die, but so did my daughter. So we enacted the "wonky die" house rule. It was my daughter's first time playing. So in spirit I won... technically I think it was a "false win."

The rest of the evening was bouncing between school work and watching television. I've found that I do not like the start of the Gilmore Girls Season 4. Too much tension, most of which doesn't even need to be there. Quite a bit of which is between Loralei and her mom. It felt forced and manufactured and immature. Like the writers felt like she needed to constantly explain the issues with her mother and then even Rory got in on the action. There are issues in their relationships, I get it... maybe too clearly, but geepers... Then the Luke thing! Sookie and the baby drama. Jackson really is a dolt. Oh goodness and this is where Zack "takes over" the band. I never really liked Zack. He's so whiny and immature. Oh and the whole Dean storyline... oh my goodness... Just lots of "what in the world is wrong with these people" storylines. Kirk, though, starts developing more and his weirdness is finally being appreciated. Huh... I wonder how many people have done academic papers on the way men are portrayed in the Sherman-Palladino worlds of Gilmore Girls and Mrs. Maisel.

But that was the day. Some catch up and some work. Really just going with whatever the day gave us.

Dungeons & Dragons Tuesday #7 (moved to Wednesday)

Day 2 of anxiety sleep issues. I'm falling hard asleep at 9PM and waking up at 4AM. I couldn't fall back asleep, so I found myself downstairs by 4:45AM and watching Riverdale.

Then I started to try to do some school work, because we will be returning to the classroom for school.

At some point I started to just spiral into sadness and I couldn't put my finger on what it was, specifically, or if it was one thing within my control. I think everything was finally catching up to me and I just broke down into tears. I was trying to think of things that would make me happy, but there is so much going on in my head that there was a great deal of vying for space in my head.

Finally, though, I asked Ray to color my hair purple and from there it was a wave of happiness. The hair isn't perfect, but it's purple and that's what matters. I kept admiring it all day and it just makes me happy to have my hair this color.

Then Ray let me get sushi from our local sushi place and it was like heaven in my mouth. I get the whole idea of comfort food and not using food as a comfort tool, BUT this was different. It was the experience of having sushi. Not just the food in my mouth. It was using the chopsticks and savoring the explosion of flavors and the smell of the ginger. It was a package deal and it made me feel good inside.

The Rock Star I started drinking also kicked in and I was awake. By the end of the day I had a couple and I felt amazing!

I stopped worrying about getting in my steps or eating Keto. Whatever to my alarm that says I should go walk on the treadmill. No worrying about not being able to eat something you're craving, because it doesn't kick in. I had been having a hardcore craving for a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and I ate it! I didn't scarf it. I like to peel away the chocolate. There's a ritual to it.

My mom called and it was all happy and positive. She seemed to have energy and good talking points. It was good!

I put the Gilmore Girls on and that show really is just a good thing to have on in the background. Maybe no more idiot shows.

Then my package of shirts I ordered arrived and I was excited to share all the cool ones I got from TeeTurtle for my daughter and the ones I got for me. It was the Halloween ones that were 50% off two weeks ago. My daughter even decided her and I would wear this one matching shirt together tomorrow. AWE!

Today felt like one of those snow days that Lorelai talks about. Just good everywhere. My husband's Pepsi was even on sale!

The sad part, though, is that my husband just really wasn't up for playing D&D today and my daughter was kind of upset about it. But it was just Out of the Abyss and taking a break is fine. We'll do it tomorrow. It's alright!

So what a great day! Good times!

Friday Night Movie #6

Today was a very difficult day for me, because I was very restless and my family was very into doing their own things. But despite any personal setbacks I was feeling, I still got to do a few things.

First, my husband said we had a little money for a splurge purchase. So I have gone completely out of my comfort zone gotten the outfit below. I also purchased black tights. Seriously nervous about it and wonder if I'll even wear it that much. I can always put together an outfit, but I don't always have the confidence to make it work on my body. And having gained so much weight over the last 6 months... this maybe wasn't the best time to get crazy with fashion. Or maybe it was! I'm also still looking for an overshirt to wear with it. Like... a shrug. We'll see.

Then I had time to plan movie night. We were going to do a double feature, but that didn't work out, because I started to not feel well. It was just the usual fatigue and physical discomfort. Nothing to phone out about.

When my husband and I went to the store, we saw some DANG! Root Beet and got the diet butterscotch, just for fun. I also saw the Buffalo popcorn salt, so I grabbed that. We got some keto friendly butter pecan ice cream to make floats and my husband got our daughter a Boston Cream Pie Klondike Bar.  If it was going to be a movie afternoon, we wanted to go all out and do something super special.

Our first movie was Big Trouble in Little China. I had seen many, many scenes and knew the plot, but I had never seen the movie. We also wanted to see if the genre was something interesting to our daughter. I adored the movie for it's Carpenter Kitsch factor. Our daughter picked up on things, but wasn't completely into the movie. I loved how Dungeon Crawl-y it was. Even had a beholder! 

It was after that that things went wonky for me. I was having trouble staying awake. I had had a rough night. Our dog woke up and was ready to puke on my head. (Yeah... laugh it up.) So I had already been up for almost 15 hours. I'm someone who definitely needs 8-10 hours of sleep a night, so I was slipping away quickly. 

We all agreed that we'd watch the second movie tomorrow and we each went out separate way. And I am going to bed.

Tabletop Thursday #6

Today I made up for some of the missing excitement from the previous day. First, my family was all up the same time as I was, so that's always weird to me. But since my husband was up, I got him to play around round of Pandemic Legacy Season 2... the intro mission. Sadly, we didn't win again. We aren't going to go into the game until we beat this beginner lesson, which we had already done, but it was so long ago.

After the game we did some general upkeep. I mailed out my Troop Slayer postcards. Also found out that my school district is going to be re-evaluating the plans they have for the Fall. We start school very soon and people are scrambling to get things in place and get things finalized and now the school board is going to revisit things. We're all in a hard position everywhere. I only wish I had some form of stability to know what is going to happen. Oh the times we live in. I figured, though, the news would be food for my mom, who really hopes I don't end up back in the school with kids. I understand her fear, but we'll make things work no matter what happens.

This afternoon, we set up Root. My daughter kabashed our game, because she was so tired and wanted to nap. So she went upstairs to take a nap. I fell into the trap of being on the couch when the sun is shinning in from the outside and got sucked into a cat nap.

Not wanting to doze anymore, I got my husband to play a game of Wii Bowling with me and then we did a quick Just Dance game. He was much better competition than my daughter. I really enjoyed playing with him.

Our sleepy daughter finally came downstairs and we were able to play Root! It was a bit heavier than I anticipated, but I'm sure plays faster once you know how to play. My daughter ended up having a small meltdown when I stopped her from getting her mouse card that would help her win. It was a little frustrating, but interesting.

Finally, I was excited to hear from my student teacher from the Spring. Turns out he has my two notebooks and a resource book I've been scouring the world for! I am so very, very excited about this news. I was devastated that I had lost my Reader's Notebook teacher copy, because I wanted to transfer it to the digital notebook I'm making. Now I can! I am so excited about it. I can now get to work on that notebook and organizing my lessons.

Wii Wednesday #6

We did not Wii today! Shame on us! There were just quite a few little things going on all over the place that didn't allow for it to happen. It was also a day when I was feeling incredibly rundown and emotional, so it was difficult to get motivated. I had wanted to Wii in the morning, but both my husband and daughter woke up after 9AM! That is incredibly unusual.

So I finished the write-up on our D&D session and watched some Critical Role. Then I started working on different little projects as my mind would allow.

My husband made calls about school for my daughter and it looks like we'll have some good news on that soon. 90% is pretty decent and I don't think a principal is going to hand out information willy-nilly like that. But then again... why didn't her district already have something like this in place? Right now there are so many questions and the answers are all so aloof. But it looks like we'll be able to keep Isabelle in the district AND she'll get to homeschool, which makes me so happy.

My husband is still waiting on his unemployment checks. We're starting to feel the press and it's not good. He started to go down the rabbit hole of contacting the various government departments to get paid. Augusts are always the worst for us, because of school and other various weirdness.

One of the projects I was able to work on was making a classroom wishlist, so if you're a charitable person out there reading this, here is my wishlist for materials and my wishlist for books (I teach Literacy).

Classroom Needs

Bookset Wishlist (any amount of any book will be better than nothing)

Today had to be a reset day. Hopefully tomorrow is much better!

Dungeons & Dragons Tuesday #6

Today's game is definitely where my daughter hit her stride. Today they were going to finish up their river travel to Firefinger. She was so excited to play this adventure again. We normally would have played our Out of the Abyss adventure, but our friend is going to be out of town next week, so we swapped game days.

Here is where River Mist and Flask of Wine reveal the dangers of the Pterafolk. As they get closer to Firefinger, they recommend getting off the river or travel at night or when it's overcast. The problem we ran into was realizing they didn't know what their goal for going to Firefinger was. River and Flask didn't need anything from Firefinger, just heard stories about how dangerous it was and that maybe some information was there. Azaka Stormfang was the guide who needed something from the Pterafolk.

That night, they discover an abandoned camp near their campground. They find two tied up tents and some healing kits and a tree with daggers stuck into them to the hilt of the dagger. The camp area was in a clearing. There is a very uncomfortable vibe to the environment, but nothing was located to explain what happened. It is after that this River tells them about the Pterafolk who attack people on the river. We encouraged our daughter to use the her ranger skills to help with the investigation of the camp area and I think they got her excited about that.

The following day they are attacked by some pteranodons on the river, but they're able to fight them. My husband is obsessed with Eldritch Blast, which I totally understand. My daughter is learning about her ranged skills and is starting to think more about her Level 3 skills. We're going to talk about what she wants from her dinocat, too. So that will be out of game. 

Finally, though, River and Flask pull the boat over and shrink it into its box to make it easily carried. They enter into the jungle and start hiking towards Firefinger. The group is introduced to the menga leaves that, once dried and turned into a tea, could heal one hit point per one ounce of leaves. Exceeding 5 ounces, though, will call for a Constitution save or you'll pass out. Rorik (Friend Jim) also discovered some apes eating Dancing Monkey Fruit. The apes were quite happy dancing, and Rorik remembered learning that DMF is essentially a magical fruit that can poison you into dancing for a minute, but leaving you with a nasty post-dance hangover that lasts for an hour. Rorik was able to safely back away from the apes without incident.

They finally stopped at a cave that River and Flask found to be a safe space to camp in. They recommend heading out at night, so they could rest now. So they set up camp and that evening they set out into the woods. River stays back at camp. Flask accompanies them to the base of the tower.

At the base of Firefinger they find tons of dropped, dead bodies. Some are recent, within a few days, and others are just bones. The group realizes they need to climb, but the ladder doesn't touch the ground and it looks a bit wonky. They pull out their climbing kits they found at one of their stops and set up a climbing order. They decide to stay connected, with Jekotikk (minotaur) taking the lead, to help pull everyone. Rose and Milly are at the back and have trouble climbing up the 60ft climb! They keep slipping and having to regroup. 

When they make it to level 1, they find an entrance into the spire and there they find a pit. Rorik was the first one to go into the pit to cross over and he is attacked by 4 giant wolf spiders. Which terrifies my husband, because he absolutely hates wolf spiders. When we lived in NC, they were all over his house and our rental. They get so big and are just kinda creepy. So I felt bad triggering his fear.

After taking care of the spiders, they found the chimney that would take them to the next level and they climb up, but this time in reverse order. Milly was first and kept slipping. Oh my goodness it was so funny! And my daughter continued to play as her character. Invested in what was going on. She didn't shy away from chipping in ideas, even though she was getting a little too "talk out of turn"-y. 

When we arrived at Level 2, the group was met with a large group of stirges. They work different than the Pathfinder ones and were a great low-level create joke for myself and Friend Jim and my husband. Little mosquitoes almost took me out! Lots of fun that was! But it was a good fight. We were attacking the things on each other. Quite a few laughs with that.

And then it was time to put a stopped on the adventure. We're trying to be really time conscious when we're playing. Our daughter wanted to keep going and everyone was in a really great mood to keep going, but my husband and I agreed it was time to stop.

So next time they'll be adventuring out onto the ledge and then debating over climbing a ladder to the next level!

I got a hug from my daughter when it was all over. She gushed about how much she loved this and how she had spent so long watching us play and now she was getting to join us. She couldn't stop talking about everything. Then she proposed Sunday through Saturday we play and then take a week off and then do another week, etc. That was a big no, but that's how excited she was when it was done. Kind of tearing up and super proud.