Pandemic - Iberia is a great new take on the Pandemic model. Here you have the addition of traveling by sea, as well as building a railroad to help you get to all the locations. I really enjoy it and the cooperative aspects make me super happy. This time we ran out of cards before we could discover the last cure. All the colors we needed were at the bottom of the deck and made it hard to get the final cure. We had them all, but just didn't make it to the base on time.
Today is definitely a day that I am seeking joy desperately! I feel overwhelmed and a whole onslaught of negative emotions. I keep trying to do little things to push them away, but the onslaught is causing these almost-panic attack like experiences. The horrible thought that keeps going through my head is "other people can deal with these little things, why can't you?" And I know why I can't, but then all I feel is "it's not fair" that I have this disability. Which then makes me feel guilty for not being happy with what I have been given in life and then I feel like a horrible person and then it starts all over again.
Today is supposed to be a regrouping day. We arrived back home from my mom's yesterday and the I realized Thanksgiving is next Thursday. So I panicked. There was no relaxing yesterday, only crying. Then today I got Thanksgiving sorted, but now it's so many other things that are on my plate and I feel consumed and crushed.
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Some positive things happened during the day that made me have these little happy moments.
Don't need to write anything. I know he's an important part of my life.
Gather up all the wood in the world and knock on it right now. I have had two really positively amazing days in a row. Part of me wonders if the exercise is kicking in. Another part of me wonders if my medication is kicking in. And still, further, all these wonderful vitamins are finally doing something! I don't even know, but I've been relatively happy! I've been able to get tasks done. I've been able to read and write. It's almost like a BP2 manic episode. This kind of "normal" happy and I'm accomplishing things!
That said, I'm still having some issues. Wanting to do things that it's not time to work on yet or still ignoring tasks that really are a priority to get done.
Some of the exciting things I've done the last couple days are:
I got my walk in and fought to be motivated. Did more than a mile, pushing myself to walk for 30 minutes instead.
Then.... it happened.... something I ordered yesterday was "Out for Delivery" TODAY! It made me so happy, because I needed it in order to make my pumpkin hand pies! The cookie cutters I needed in order to cut the right sized hand pies arrived a day early!
That meant that I could make my pumpkin hand pies, which turned out pretty okay, but weren't as sweet as I would have liked. Noted for future hand pies. I also used store-bought crust dough, which worked really well.
It was an incredibly rough night last night. I woke up a few times and just had this crazy sense of distress. I even went downstairs and laid on the couch for a little bit. Just a very weird situation that left me waking up earlier than I wanted and I couldn't get back to sleep.
Due to this unwanted situation, it left me feel a lack of energy this morning and it made my treadmilling incredibly difficult. I had to pep-talk myself on the treadmill just to get my mile in. It was kind of frustrating to have to be that big of a self-cheerleader. But I made it and that was my goal!
The rest of the day was spent on self-care, especially looking more into a healthy options for food. For example, I did some more research into muesli and am giving that a try. What I have noticed is that my resting heart rate has been better since I started walking, so hopefully that's a good sign of things to come.
Hopefully tomorrow will be more productive again, but I feel like having more active days leaves me feeling fatigued on the next day. What of this is medication and what of this is a physical reaction to things?
This week has been a bit different than previous weeks. I've started some health goals. After learning over the weekend that I'm slightly anemic, I figured it'd be good to get back on track for making my healthy decisions. The quarantine really did a number on my general physical health. We already know my mental health is a growing struggle.
So first I started with one of those "30 Days to 10,000 Steps" things, but I'm no fool. To push myself that fast would only create frustration and could result in pain (I have a fickle foot that likes to be troublesome). For me personally, that is. So I took the challenge, but divided it up to make it manageable and attainable for myself. For this first week, I wanted to just be able to get myself to walk a mile each day. By the end of the week I should maintain no less than 3,000 steps a day.
The next health goal was to drink my two bottles of water a day. I have one of those water bottles that has the "drink this much by this time" marks on it. I don't always adhere to the time, but I try to drink two bottles a day.
Other health goals will be added, but I have to start somewhere. In addition, I've added in some more vitamins to my daily goal and I'm watching my eating so that I can start to take stock of what things I need to start tweaking. Sadly, I'm noticing that two of the things I'm trying to improve in my health have somewhat contradictory diets. One wants me to eliminate meat as much as possible, while the other asks that I add in some red meat to boost my red blood cells. Go figure my health would be so irritating.
Today, though, has been a very productive and fulfilling day.
Halloween was weird this year. We have up some decorations, but it just doesn't feel right. So I'm trying to make today "joyful."
The morning we all kind of had our own little things to do. I ended up watching The Blair Witch Project and then followed it with Paranormal Activity.
My daughter put on her dragon costume from last year and it still fit her!
I spent a good chunk of the day checking the front patio for packages that never came. My husband then reminded me that so many post offices had been told not to deliver mail or to sit on mail, etc. That broke my heart for so many personal and political reasons.
I decided to be creative for dinner and I made Mummies in a Sand Storm (mummy hot hogs and rice-a-roni).
After dinner, I received a notification that my bloodwork results had come back. I went to read through them and saw that one of my numbers was low, which indicated anemia. I wasn't sure why, but I got out my iron supplements that I hadn't taken and I took one. Within two hours I felt more focused and ready to do things. So I wonder if some of what I'm going through is related to having anemia.
I just hung out most of the evening and I actually worked on my calendar. Between having some caffeine and taking the iron supplement and the Cider Vinegar gummy, I was getting all sorts of stuff done.
This entry is wonky, but it was a wonky day for me. Not a normal Halloween, but we had a good one as a family and, no, we didn't go trick-or-treating like so many people in our community.
Seeking "joy" is hard. I'm at the point with this one particular medication where I am feeling incredibly muddled and cloudy. You know how Hollywood depicts mental institutions? I get it now. Everyone just stare off or shuffle around aimlessly.
But I found if I ingest some caffeine it helps to take that muddled edge off. I just have to find the right source and the right amount. Too much causes the anxiety to flare up. Too little... well... is too little.
I am trying to be activity driven. I make a list of the things that need to get done and I do one thing, then take a break and then do another. It worked really well when we were at my mom's house. She throws out tasks at breakneck speeds and I get them written down and then I slowly work to accomplish them.
Today, though I started with some tasks to get the day rolling:
I shred this list with my husband and he said it's alright to take a break. But I didn't want to take a break. I wanted to feel motivated to do anything! So I drank a little more RockStar.
This morning started off rough. Turns out the change in my medication now causes me to become dizzy and nauseous if I don't eat something with the medicine. I'm used to not really eating much in the morning. Since that was the case, I had to wake my husband up to help me with a bite of breakfast, because the whole world was spinning.
Then it was just watching some television and getting a few chores done around the house.
I had some slips, but I made it through.
Oh! I got my iggle Halloween cards mailed AND got the package for my iggle swap done. I wish I had taken a picture before I sealed it up, but oh well. And we made grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner. Can I just say that grilled cheese is a stressful dish for me! As easy as it is, it is sooooo easy to burn. Drives me nuts! Now I feel determined to master it, but I don't feel like watching Chef again. Eh...
So my day had little glimpses of joy, but at least I stayed out of the darkness.
